reasons i'm not a man
#4
1. It takes me at least an hour-and-a-half to get ready each morning.
2. I've never chewed tobacco or smoked anything.
3. I'm afraid to get shocks (especially in winter).
4. I've been punched a few times, but have never thrown one back.
5. I've never shot anything more than a bb gun, and don’t like guns at all.
6. I don't have a dog.
7. I drive a car instead of a truck.
8. I'm not good at cooking food on the grill, or in general.
9. I couldn't change my oil, or a tire, if my life depended on it.
10. At communion, I take an individual cup instead of a swig from the common cup.
11. I pay attention to nose, ear, and facial hair, and try to keep them trimmed.
12. I pluck my eyebrows.
13. I floss daily.
14. I am always cold, and at times have worn my jacket while sitting in my cube at work.
15. I wear long-johns when it gets cold enough, including to work even though I will only be outside for 5 minutes in the morning and 5 minutes in the afternoon.
2. I've never chewed tobacco or smoked anything.
3. I'm afraid to get shocks (especially in winter).
4. I've been punched a few times, but have never thrown one back.
5. I've never shot anything more than a bb gun, and don’t like guns at all.
6. I don't have a dog.
7. I drive a car instead of a truck.
8. I'm not good at cooking food on the grill, or in general.
9. I couldn't change my oil, or a tire, if my life depended on it.
10. At communion, I take an individual cup instead of a swig from the common cup.
11. I pay attention to nose, ear, and facial hair, and try to keep them trimmed.
12. I pluck my eyebrows.
13. I floss daily.
14. I am always cold, and at times have worn my jacket while sitting in my cube at work.
15. I wear long-johns when it gets cold enough, including to work even though I will only be outside for 5 minutes in the morning and 5 minutes in the afternoon.
#23
16. I am terrified of scary movies and sometimes watch slouched and through my hands.
17. I'm germ-conscious.
18. When hurt, sometimes I say "owieeee!"
19. I don't know how to play poker, and don’t care much for most card games.
20. I’m not really into pool, darts, or Golden Tee.
21. I once subscribed to US Weekly (and wish I still did).
22. Any video games beyond Super Nintendo are far too complicated for me.
23. When I have a bottle of beer that doesn't have an easy screw-off cap, I give it to Pat Schultz or some other real man to open for me.
24. Sometimes I can’t open a bottle of wine.
25. I can't peel a banana. (I always get out a knife and cut off the top, then make three cuts.)
26. For the most part, I look like I'm 12 years old and still get carded sometimes.
27. I not only cried the first day of kindergarten, I cried the first day of 9th grade.
28. I put smiley faces and other emoticons in my emails and texts.
29. I send email forwards to over 450 people.
30. I never played high school football, or wrestled.
17. I'm germ-conscious.
18. When hurt, sometimes I say "owieeee!"
19. I don't know how to play poker, and don’t care much for most card games.
20. I’m not really into pool, darts, or Golden Tee.
21. I once subscribed to US Weekly (and wish I still did).
22. Any video games beyond Super Nintendo are far too complicated for me.
23. When I have a bottle of beer that doesn't have an easy screw-off cap, I give it to Pat Schultz or some other real man to open for me.
24. Sometimes I can’t open a bottle of wine.
25. I can't peel a banana. (I always get out a knife and cut off the top, then make three cuts.)
26. For the most part, I look like I'm 12 years old and still get carded sometimes.
27. I not only cried the first day of kindergarten, I cried the first day of 9th grade.
28. I put smiley faces and other emoticons in my emails and texts.
29. I send email forwards to over 450 people.
30. I never played high school football, or wrestled.
#37
31. By choice, I announce girls’ high school
basketball and volleyball games.
32. I don't like camping and am certain I couldn’t pitch a tent.
33. I don't spend much time in the garage.
34. I can't sit with folded legs.
35. I don't like boxer shorts.
36. I can't grow a noticeable beard or mustache.
37. I startle easily, which often results in me shrieking like a young girl.
38. I don't have any tattoos.
39. I seldom drive more than 5 m.p.h. over the speed limit.
32. I don't like camping and am certain I couldn’t pitch a tent.
33. I don't spend much time in the garage.
34. I can't sit with folded legs.
35. I don't like boxer shorts.
36. I can't grow a noticeable beard or mustache.
37. I startle easily, which often results in me shrieking like a young girl.
38. I don't have any tattoos.
39. I seldom drive more than 5 m.p.h. over the speed limit.
#43
40. I keep a detailed, color-coded calendar that includes the
birthdays and anniversaries of my closest male friends.
41. I have shopped at a pre-teen store called Aeropostale, and their clothes fit me very well.
42. I love to sing karaoke so much that it’s borderline embarrassing.
43. I keep lists of my favorite karaoke songs in my wallet.
44. When singing a karaoke duet, I usually sing the girl part and sometimes even when I have a female partner.
45. I own not one, but two, karaoke machines.
46. I rely on my dad for pretty much every menial household issue that arises.
47. I am legendary for getting lost while driving; including to-and-from places I've been to many times.
41. I have shopped at a pre-teen store called Aeropostale, and their clothes fit me very well.
42. I love to sing karaoke so much that it’s borderline embarrassing.
43. I keep lists of my favorite karaoke songs in my wallet.
44. When singing a karaoke duet, I usually sing the girl part and sometimes even when I have a female partner.
45. I own not one, but two, karaoke machines.
46. I rely on my dad for pretty much every menial household issue that arises.
47. I am legendary for getting lost while driving; including to-and-from places I've been to many times.
#56
48.
49.
50. I created this list.
51. I don’t like real coffee.
52. Sometimes I wear cheap eyeglasses from the Dollar Store just to have a different look.
53. I never went to prom during high school, then went my first year of college.
54. I suntan when I can, in the backyard.
55. I have a Nerf Hoop in my living room.
56. Whenever I mention my height, I say 5' 7" and a 1/2.
57. In winter, I warm my iPod earphones and hands by holding them next to the car heater.
58. I keep my house neat and orderly pretty much all of the time, and I also dust.
59. Airports baffle me and riding on airplanes makes me nervous.
60. I blow my nose a lot, with Kleenex. I'm not saying real men don't blow their nose, but not often; and when they do, they probably use a handkerchief or go to the bathroom and blow it into an abrasive paper towel, LIKE A MAN.
49.
50. I created this list.
51. I don’t like real coffee.
52. Sometimes I wear cheap eyeglasses from the Dollar Store just to have a different look.
53. I never went to prom during high school, then went my first year of college.
54. I suntan when I can, in the backyard.
55. I have a Nerf Hoop in my living room.
56. Whenever I mention my height, I say 5' 7" and a 1/2.
57. In winter, I warm my iPod earphones and hands by holding them next to the car heater.
58. I keep my house neat and orderly pretty much all of the time, and I also dust.
59. Airports baffle me and riding on airplanes makes me nervous.
60. I blow my nose a lot, with Kleenex. I'm not saying real men don't blow their nose, but not often; and when they do, they probably use a handkerchief or go to the bathroom and blow it into an abrasive paper towel, LIKE A MAN.
#62
61. Before going out, sometimes I ask my guy friends what they're
wearing.
62. I got a Cabbage Patch Kid doll when I was 12 years old. (His name was Kirby Dwayne McClain Kruschke.)
63. I’ve never been in a bowling league.
64. I don't wear my watch in winter because it's too cold on my wrist when I first put it on.
65. Until recently I had a "Twins Territory" membership card.
66. I like to go to Opening Night for the Twins, but as much for a free magnet schedule as for the game.
62. I got a Cabbage Patch Kid doll when I was 12 years old. (His name was Kirby Dwayne McClain Kruschke.)
63. I’ve never been in a bowling league.
64. I don't wear my watch in winter because it's too cold on my wrist when I first put it on.
65. Until recently I had a "Twins Territory" membership card.
66. I like to go to Opening Night for the Twins, but as much for a free magnet schedule as for the game.
#68
67. I would be the worst combat soldier EVER.
68. I have a blanket on my bed made entirely of Twins Homer Hankies (my “Homer Hanky blankie”).
69. I don’t like motorcycles or dirt bikes.
70. I have an electric toothbrush.
71. I like candles.
72. I've had gals give ME a piggy-back ride before.
73. At Subway, I only get a 6-incher, not a foot long.
74. I am below-average at successfully lighting a match.
75. I’m not good at starting fires.
68. I have a blanket on my bed made entirely of Twins Homer Hankies (my “Homer Hanky blankie”).
69. I don’t like motorcycles or dirt bikes.
70. I have an electric toothbrush.
71. I like candles.
72. I've had gals give ME a piggy-back ride before.
73. At Subway, I only get a 6-incher, not a foot long.
74. I am below-average at successfully lighting a match.
75. I’m not good at starting fires.
#78
76. I've never water-skied or jet-skied, and have no desire to drive or
own a boat.
77. I don't own a suit.
78. I wear slippers six months out of the year.
79. During winter, I'll bust out the ear muffs from time-to-time.
80. I can’t function without ChapStick.
81. I'm afraid to play paintball.
82. When I eat food that's (temperature) hot, sometimes I make a fanning motion with my hand.
83. I can't assemble ANYTHING.
84. I don't like to fish or know how to clean them.
85. I don't like to take batting practice when it's cold.
86. I keep Kleenexes in a baggie in the glove box of my car.
87. Any food spicier than a Dorito makes my nose run.
88. I don't like getting into water that is even slightly cold.
89. I’ve never shaved with a real razor.
77. I don't own a suit.
78. I wear slippers six months out of the year.
79. During winter, I'll bust out the ear muffs from time-to-time.
80. I can’t function without ChapStick.
81. I'm afraid to play paintball.
82. When I eat food that's (temperature) hot, sometimes I make a fanning motion with my hand.
83. I can't assemble ANYTHING.
84. I don't like to fish or know how to clean them.
85. I don't like to take batting practice when it's cold.
86. I keep Kleenexes in a baggie in the glove box of my car.
87. Any food spicier than a Dorito makes my nose run.
88. I don't like getting into water that is even slightly cold.
89. I’ve never shaved with a real razor.
#94
90. I've always been afraid of getting hit by the baseball, and running
into outfield walls.
91. Basic fashion confuses me, and sometimes I just can’t decide what to wear.
92. I like flowers.
93. I use hand lotion.
94. Not only am I "the guy who takes pictures", I’ll also pose for them.
95. When playing a kid or girl in basketball, more than anything I live to block their shot, then tell them to "GET IT OUT OF HERE!"
96. I own mittens and love kittens.
97. I don’t mow my own lawn.
98. I carry an umbrella at the mere threat of rain.
99. I follow sports but rarely do I watch them on TV.
100. I always wear a seat belt, no matter how short the distance.
101. I take vacation days to prepare for fantasy sports drafts.
102. I almost always sleep with a t-shirt on.
103. In the winter, I often use a space heater by my bed.
104. I used to have an electric blanket for my bed.
91. Basic fashion confuses me, and sometimes I just can’t decide what to wear.
92. I like flowers.
93. I use hand lotion.
94. Not only am I "the guy who takes pictures", I’ll also pose for them.
95. When playing a kid or girl in basketball, more than anything I live to block their shot, then tell them to "GET IT OUT OF HERE!"
96. I own mittens and love kittens.
97. I don’t mow my own lawn.
98. I carry an umbrella at the mere threat of rain.
99. I follow sports but rarely do I watch them on TV.
100. I always wear a seat belt, no matter how short the distance.
101. I take vacation days to prepare for fantasy sports drafts.
102. I almost always sleep with a t-shirt on.
103. In the winter, I often use a space heater by my bed.
104. I used to have an electric blanket for my bed.
#110, #131
105. I failed my driver's license test twice, and got a 76 the third time.
106. I've prayed to God for the success of my fantasy teams.
107. I consciously vary which pocket I place my wallet in, so it doesn't wear out the jeans as fast.
108. I often drive with my hands on the wheel at the recommended 10 and 2 o'clock positions.
109. Sometimes I struggle tremendously to open a jar, and just give up.
110. I put name labels on my CD's and DVD's so if someone borrows and forgets, I can prove it's mine.
106. I've prayed to God for the success of my fantasy teams.
107. I consciously vary which pocket I place my wallet in, so it doesn't wear out the jeans as fast.
108. I often drive with my hands on the wheel at the recommended 10 and 2 o'clock positions.
109. Sometimes I struggle tremendously to open a jar, and just give up.
110. I put name labels on my CD's and DVD's so if someone borrows and forgets, I can prove it's mine.
#116
111. While riding home with friends after a night out, I have no
hesitation of sleeping on the way back.
112. I often won't carry my cell phone with me when I go out because I don't like the way it feels or looks in my pocket.
113. I’ve never used a chainsaw.
114. At halftime of the 2010 Turkey Bowl (tough guy tackle football game with no pads or helmets), I blew my nose in a Kleenex.
115. I keep a Homer Simpson doll in my back car window.
116. I still wear a Golden State Warriors Starter™ jacket.
117. I wrote six pages of rules as Commissioner of our fantasy baseball league.
118. I don’t watch SportsCenter.
119. I’m pretty good at wrapping gifts.
112. I often won't carry my cell phone with me when I go out because I don't like the way it feels or looks in my pocket.
113. I’ve never used a chainsaw.
114. At halftime of the 2010 Turkey Bowl (tough guy tackle football game with no pads or helmets), I blew my nose in a Kleenex.
115. I keep a Homer Simpson doll in my back car window.
116. I still wear a Golden State Warriors Starter™ jacket.
117. I wrote six pages of rules as Commissioner of our fantasy baseball league.
118. I don’t watch SportsCenter.
119. I’m pretty good at wrapping gifts.
#125
120. I ordered a Shake Weight™, and actually use it.
121. If it’s windy, sometimes I walk with my head tilted to try and keep my hair in place.
122. I’ve never gone hunting and I don’t like to kill things.
123. I’m not into knives.
124. I’ve never had an animal mounted.
125. I wear a white wig and black robe as “Judge” of our town baseball team's kangaroo court.
126. I have no technical skills with electronics, and am not good at “hooking things up.”
127. I use coupons when I go grocery shopping.
128. I always lock my car doors, even at friends or family’s.
129. Once in college when the cops came to our place because of a “loud gathering”, I hid underneath the bed until they told me to come out.
121. If it’s windy, sometimes I walk with my head tilted to try and keep my hair in place.
122. I’ve never gone hunting and I don’t like to kill things.
123. I’m not into knives.
124. I’ve never had an animal mounted.
125. I wear a white wig and black robe as “Judge” of our town baseball team's kangaroo court.
126. I have no technical skills with electronics, and am not good at “hooking things up.”
127. I use coupons when I go grocery shopping.
128. I always lock my car doors, even at friends or family’s.
129. Once in college when the cops came to our place because of a “loud gathering”, I hid underneath the bed until they told me to come out.
#133
130.
131. My CD collection boasts the likes of Britney Spears, Belinda Carlisle, and Richard Marx.
132. I have played town team baseball for 19 years, and didn’t get a single hit in 10 of them.
133. I always go to TwinsFest.
134. I don’t have dirt underneath my fingernails, and my toenails aren’t yellow, grown over, and uncared for.
135. Sometimes I consciously refrain from eating peanuts or popcorn because they are notorious for getting in your teeth and give you bad breath.
136. I love polka music.
131. My CD collection boasts the likes of Britney Spears, Belinda Carlisle, and Richard Marx.
132. I have played town team baseball for 19 years, and didn’t get a single hit in 10 of them.
133. I always go to TwinsFest.
134. I don’t have dirt underneath my fingernails, and my toenails aren’t yellow, grown over, and uncared for.
135. Sometimes I consciously refrain from eating peanuts or popcorn because they are notorious for getting in your teeth and give you bad breath.
136. I love polka music.